Fall to Pieces
by Fyrepen33
Summary: After spending years fighting, Jasper remembers the best part of his human life: his family. But he must first break free of a mindset that has shaped his life for decades. Even if it means leaving a part of himself behind.
1. Prologue: The End of Everything

Prologue:

The End of Everything

My opponent advanced on me, teeth bared, a snarl and growl rumbling in the back of her throat. I shifted into a crouch, feeling her anger and hatred radiating off of her. I heard a snarl and a hiss escape from my own mouth.

_"So this is how it ends. My creator becoming my destroyer."_ I thought bitterly to myself.

I saw my life flash before me. Not just my afterlife, but my before-life as well. It seemed so long ago, like it was many lifetimes ago instead of just one. My parents, my sister, Mr. Thompson… faces that meant my entire existence to me.

Then I saw Peter and Charlotte's faces in my head. They were my family just as much as Mr. Thompson had been. On the subject of family, I thought of the others I had left. Their faces flashed in my mind, sharper because I remembered them better. The hurt and confusion the woman had felt when I left. The concern and care from the dark haired female who had saved me…

I decided then that I wasn't going to try to survive. I knew that if I got the upper hand, I wouldn't be able to kill my opponent. It would make me no better than her. But then what? I let her kill me? I let her go? It would never end.

So I did the same thing I did when I left home for the last time. I decided to let chance decide my fate.

With a snarl building up in my throat, I lunged at my charging attacker.


	2. Leaving Home

Chapter One

Leaving Home

As silent as I could manage, I untied Shadow Star from his stall and led him outside. I felt horribly guilty for doing this, but I didn't want a goodbye scene from Emily. I crept closer to the door.

"Jazz?" A small, timid voice asked from the door. I froze. It looked like there was going to be scene after all.

"Emily, go back to bed. You should be asleep." I hissed into the darkness. My five - year old sister appeared from the darkness, a candle in her hand, illuminating her face and her wavy blond hair.

"_You_ should be asleep too," she snapped stubbornly, her eyes narrowing. Then her eyes snapped open in shock when she saw that I had supplies on Shadow Star's saddle bags.

"You're signing up to fight, aren't you? You're too young," she accused me, glaring. I sighed. Here we go. I took a deep breath.

"I know, but I'm almost eighteen anyway, and since I'm tall for my age, no one will ever notice." I shot back, my words coming out a bit more sharper then I meant them to. She noticed, and her face crumpled. I sighed, tied Shadow Star up again and picked her up before she could start crying.

I silently carried her upstairs as quietly and quickly as I could. Halfway up, she started sobbing into my shoulder with her arms around my neck. I had to pry her off when I tried to put her in her bed.

"You w…won't come back. I'll never see you again," she sputtered silently. I sat down on the bed next to her.

"Of course we'll see each other again. Someday." I promised, knowing that even if I died on the front, we would still see each other someday. Somewhere…

"Promise," she demanded, still not satisfied. I smiled and hugged her again.

"I promise. Now promise me you'll be a good girl and do what you're told." I murmured into her ear. She nodded in agreement.

"Write in your diary every day. I want a full account of what happened in my absence when I return home." I reminded her, referring to the periwinkle blue diary I had made for her fifth birthday.

"I love you, Jasper. You're the best big brother ever." She whispered, kissing my cheek. I hugged her, and then set her in her bed.

I waited until I was positive that she was sleeping. Then I blew out her candle and slipped unnoticed downstairs to the stable once again. I untied Shadow Star and mounted him outside.

It started drizzling as I reined in Shadow Star and galloped off to the house that was half a mile away from my house. I needed one more promise to be made on Emily's behalf.

As soon as I reached the big white house, I tied Shadow Star to the post outside and knocked on the door. Instead of the maid that usually opened it, a grizzly old man with gray hair and mustache and beard threw the door open.

"I heard you riding up, Whitlock. Make it snappy. I want to sleep well tonight because I have an important business meeting in the morning and I want to be sharp and awake." He growled at me. Then he noticed Shadow Star.

"You're signing up. You're too young. Take my advice and wait another year," he accused me in the same way Emily had.

"Yes, I'm signing up, and no, I'm not taking your advice and waiting." I snapped in an equally harsh voice. His left eye twitched.

"What do you want, boy? Spit it out." He growled. I exhaled sharply.

"I want you to promise me that you'll watch my family while I'm gone. My mother, my sister, the staff, all of them I want you to watch. Please, Mr. Thompson. They all mean a lot to me." I pleaded to him. I saw his expression soften.

"Very well, Jasper. I'll watch your family. But please do hurry back. I hate seeing Emily look sad." He answered softly.

"Thank you, Mr. Thompson. It means more to me than you could ever know." I thanked him softly, trying not to betray the tears welling in my voice.

"Just take care, Jasper. War is ugly business." Mr. Thompson warned, patting my shoulder. I felt his eyes on my back as I mounted Shadow Star and rode off into the distance.


	3. Enter the Darkness

Chapter Two

Enter the Darkness

I opened the door to the small room where my group of soldiers sat. Captain James Malarkey looked up when I entered and nodded to me. I nodded in acknowledgement. He looked down at the map he and another man were looking at.

"Whitlock." Thomas Berkshire acknowledged my presence as I entered. Again, I simply nodded and looked at the map.

Leaving home had not been among my better ideas. Mr. Thompson had been right to say that war was ugly business. I knew I would be on leave soon, then I could return home, to Emily. I missed her. I hadn't seen her for a solid three years and I could imagine what a beautiful girl she must be by now, as an eight year old.

James drew up a seat for me and I took it, sitting down, feeling exhausted. James smiled sympathetically and patted me on the shoulder.

"I was just teasing Malarkey about his lack of a love life." Thomas explained. I smiled.

"Only you could find something to tease James about." I laughed. Thomas and James laughed with me. I liked these two. We had been in the same company since our enlisting , and as far as we were concerned, we were all twenty one. They didn't realize that I had just turned twenty.

"What about you, Whitlock? Got any girls back home worth returning home?" James asked. I smiled.

"Emily. I haven't seen her since I left." I told them. They smiled, thinking they were getting somewhere with me.

"How old is she?" James asked eagerly. I smirked, anticipating their reaction.

"She's eight. She's my little sister." I explained. It took a few seconds for it to sink in, then they started laughing out loud. I laughed with them. I knew they missed home just as much as I did.

Suddenly there was a banging on the door. We all straightened up, knowing that it could be Commander Baker.

"Major Whitlock! I need you and your men to evacuate the city of women and children. The damn Yankees are attacking." Commander Baker roared at us. The three of us rushed outside. I pulled Shadow Star out of his stall and mounted him. The other two grabbed their horses and the three of us rode out.

Women and children were already running from their homes and fleeing to the city outskirts. I knew there was a shelter there that could take them. James and I rode toward the center of town where the most of the people and confusion seemed to be. I started barking instructions to them while James led them to the outskirts.

When the last of the people started to clear off, I rode back to where the inn was. Shadow Star was tired, but I still had work to do. I figured I'd borrow Thomas's other horse, Fire Star. Fire Star had had enough time to work. He would move faster and more efficiently.

Shadow Star whinnied in protest and tried to block my exit from the stall. I could sense that something had spooked him. I stroked his muzzle, then side stepped out of the stall and brought Fire Star out.

After mounting, I rode into the town. Thomas and James had vanished and I couldn't see where they were.

_"They probably went to the other side of town. I'll make sure there aren't any stragglers." _ I thought, then rode into the center of town and scanned the square for any stragglers. Then I saw three shapes coming for me.

They were three women, obviously Mexican. But there was something off about them. They were beautiful. I had never seen women look this beautiful. There was something not human about them. My instincts were screaming at me to run, but my upbringing was telling me to stay and help them.

"Sir? We need help!" One of them called in a soft voice that sounded just as beautiful as her appearance. Judgment ruled out over instinct. I dismounted and approached them.

"He looks strong. Do it, Maria. He could be useful." The other female whispered, addressing the woman in the middle of the trio.

"What is your name?" She asked me in a smooth velvety voice.

"Major Jasper Whitlock." I stammered out, my heart thudding so loud, I was sure that they could hear it. I seemed frozen to the spot, like I couldn't run even if I wanted to. I was afraid.

"Well, Jasper, I really do hope you survive through this. I have a good feeling about you." The middle woman purred in her soft voice.

She leaned in toward me as though she was going to kiss me. My head was screaming at me to run while I still had the chance, but I was rooted to the spot.

Swiftly she moved her head and bit me on the neck.

Spots instantly appeared in my vision as I felt a cutting pain rip through my body. It was like I was feeling the pain of being ripped apart without the actual ripping. I felt my body sink to the ground and press against the cold street. Distantly I heard panicky whinnying and sounds of a horse running away.

Darkness crept into the edges of my eyes and the pain was tearing through every part of my body. Was I dying?

The last conscious thought I had was that I would have liked to see Emily one more time before death.


	4. Warzone

Chapter Three

Warzone

"How many?" I barked at Peter. My friend dismissed the newborn vampires that were lined up in front of him.

"All thirty are present and accounted for." He informed me. His dark ruby eyes flickered over, and I sensed concern from him. I sulked over to my tree and sat down next the trunk. Peter sat down next to me.

Time had passed. Sixty- three long years of eternal hell, hatred and war. Maria had gotten her wish and I had lived through the transformation. I had lived past my first year solely on my ability to calm or excite the newborn vampires that she trained to fight for her in the wars for territory. I didn't remember much of my human life. It was fuzzy and blurry.

"Some of the newborns are nearing the year mark." Peter observed, breaking my train of thought.

"I guess Maria will have us getting rid of the older ones soon. I remember when I didn't have to do all of the dirty grunt work." I griped to him. Only to each other could we complain about Maria's leadership methods.

"Do you remember what it was like to be human?" Peter asked, looking at me. I could feel his remorse. He missed being human. I knew that.

"Not anymore. The pain is the sharpest memory I have." I answered finally, after giving it a moment's thought. I frowned and looked at him.

"Why, do you?" I asked, curious now. Peter smirked as he started to feel my curiosity. I stopped it. I hated how I sometimes inflicted my own feelings on the vampires around me.

"Sometimes. It was only a few years ago… I can remember some things. Just not much." Peter admitted.

"What do you remember?" I ventured. Peter smirked again at the growing curiosity that I was inflicting on him. I didn't bother stopping it this time.

"Just faces mostly. Even they aren't that sharp." Peter answered after thinking for a moment.

The two of us fell silent, thinking about the human life we never had, the life we couldn't remember having.

"Did you ever go north when you were human?" Peter finally asked.

"No. When I was growing up, the North was the enemy. It was suicide to go into enemy territory. It still is." I answered.

"One thing I do remember was that I wanted to as a human. But then Maria found me, and well, you know the rest." Peter continued. I sighed.

"Life is cruel. Death is even harsher." I sighed. Peter patted my shoulder. When he did, it sparked something… something small. A small memory of a friend doing the same.

"I think we should go north someday." Peter finally commented. I was caught off guard by his comment.

"Why? Maria wouldn't go up there because there isn't good territory up there." I replied, trying to keep from inflicting my surprise on him.

"Not with Maria. Just the two of us." Peter clarified. I stared at him.

"Maria wouldn't let us. She needs us down here." I told him. He couldn't possibly be thinking about leaving.

"We don't need her permission. We could just leave. Do you really want to spend eternity fighting and killing newborn vampires? Because I'm not sure if I do." Peter replied easily, shocking me.

"Deserting? Maria would never stand for that. This is an army. You can't desert the army. I know, Peter, I was a soldier as a human." I snapped at him, not bothering to hide my shock.

"Peter! Jasper!" A female voice rang out. I froze. Had Maria heard? Peter had the same fears, and we both turned to face our superior.

"Kill the older newborns. Now." Maria ordered, and then disappeared.

"Jasper. We don't have to. We could leave now." Peter hissed into my ear. I shook him off.

"Peter, we have a job to do. If you don't want to do it, then go back, and I'll do it myself." I snapped as we arrived to the point away from the group where Peter and I normally went about our work.

"It's not right, Jasper. I've been thinking a lot about it. Is it really fair to kill someone twice?" Peter asked, pleading now. I sighed. Of all the vampires to get a conscience in the group, and it had to be my friend. Still, it was starting to make sense…

"Go back, Peter. I'll do this myself." I snapped, irritated at him now. Peter shook his head and stayed.

"Fine. Let's get this over with." He sighed, reluctance written all over his face. I turned and called the first newborn to be killed that night.

She appeared instantly, her expression unreadable. She was small, and had blond hair that was so light, it was almost white.

_"Just like Peter's hair."_ I mused to myself. Suddenly I sensed a flash of anger and remorse from Peter. I turned to him, confused.

"I'm sorry for this, Jasper. I still want to be friends." He told me, remorse almost literally radiating off of him. I was confused, just as he lunged at me, securing his teeth at my neck.

I roared in shock and fury and threw him off of me. As soon as I did, he dashed off with the female. I didn't pursue. I could feel Peter and the female's remorse start to fade as they got too far away for me to feel what they felt anymore.


	5. The Defector

Chapter Four

The Defector

I sulked by my tree. I could hear Benny counting off the newborns a few yards in front of me. I wanted desperately to say that I hated Peter and Charlotte, and move on with my existence, but I couldn't.

_"Of course not. That would be too easy." _I bitterly thought to myself. Ever since Peter's conscience had chased him off with Charlotte, I had begun to question myself. Was this what I wanted to spend eternity doing? Was this right? Killing and hatred and war, without justification?

I had tried reasoning with myself. Of course there was justification. If we didn't have a strong army then some other army would overpower us. But was killing so you wouldn't be killed right? Was that justifiable?

_"You have to take care of yourself. War is ugly business." _I reasoned mentally. War was ugly. It was a dog eat dog world. Survival of the fittest. Kill or be killed. The two years since their departure had been rough. Explaining to Maria was difficult enough. She had at first been suspicious of me, thinking that I was plotting against her. Then she was _afraid_ of me. How much had their departure affected my outside appearance and behavior?

But what bothered me the most about Peter and Charlotte's departure was how easily Maria had replaced Peter with Benny. I had thought that Maria needed Peter and I to successfully operate her army. I had thought that she would attempt to find them. But she didn't. She just left to the town for a few days and returned with Benny and told me that he would be taking Peter's position.

Benny was about five foot seven inches. He had red eyes, like the rest of us. He had shaggy black hair that was constantly in his face. He was a shield. Maria had been ecstatic when she had found out. Shields were rare and very valuable.

It bothered me because it had made me wonder how easily she could replace me. I realized that I didn't have to leave in order for me to be replaced. She could tire of having me and then sic the newborns on me. Not that I couldn't handle them. I'd been handling them for sixty-five years. I could most certainly beat them in a fight.

But I could never kill or beat her. She could send all the newborns at me and try to kill me all she wanted. But if it came down to her, and me, which it probably would, I wouldn't be able to kill her. It was hard to explain, but it would just be so _wrong_. Wrong to the point where I would come out of the fight no better than she was. I wanted to be better than her somehow.

But where did that leave me, if not in a difficult situation? What did I do? Leave? And go where? Would I just hope that she would never feel the need to replace me? Eternity was an awful long time. She was bound to want to replace me at some point. What would I do then? Should I have gone with Peter and Charlotte? I would have had them to back me up.

I knew for a fact that Maria was going to replace me someday. I also knew that I had to be ready for that day. Ready to fight or flee. And my attitude since Peter and Charlotte left wasn't putting that day off at all.

"Jasper?" Benny asked, snapping me out of my mental griping. I didn't answer; I just looked up at him so he knew he had my attention.

"I'll watch the newborns. You go hunt." He offered. Without a word, I stood up and left. Benny took my spot under the tree and focused on the newborns.

I ran, feeling the wind blow in my face as I approached the town. It was night, the only time any vampire dared come close to humans. I climbed up a wall that surrounded the town and dropped into the alley.

I sniffed the air, searching for something that might signal danger. The humans were all sleeping, so not many were out at night. So I waited.

Suddenly I felt a flash of curiosity. Emotions meant humans, and humans meant that I could return soon and make sure Maria didn't think I'd run off.

"Jasper? Is that you?" A small, familiar female voice asked from the darkness of the alley. I turned.

Charlotte and Peter stood there, looking wary, and I could sense their caution.

"Peter? Charlotte? What the hell are you doing here?" I snapped, furious at them not for leaving me in an awkward spot with Maria, but for startling me. Peter approached me cautiously.

"Jasper. We came down to see how you were doing. I really don't want you to be mad at me. I really hated biting you like that." Peter whispered, moving toward me slowly. I sighed, reached out and patted his arm.

"I can't stay upset with you, Peter." I told him quietly. He smiled and hugged me. Charlotte stepped out and smiled at me.

"Where did you go? Why are you back here? If Maria found out you were here, she would kill you both." I hissed to the two of them.

"We came back for you, Jasper. The North is so much better than this. The vampires up there are friendly and it's peaceful. Please come with us." Charlotte pleaded. I looked at her. Her ruby eyes were shining in the moonlight.

"You don't have to stay. It's much better in the North. Maria has no control over you." Peter added. I looked at them. I trusted them, but I just didn't know. Would it be better? I knew that once I left, there was no coming back.

"Think on it. Meet us here tomorrow night." Peter whispered, taking note of my hesitation. Charlotte squeezed my hand.

"You'll do what's right for you." She murmured, and then she and Peter vanished into the shadow.

I did think on it. I thought about it long and hard. Then I realized. Maria would replace me someday. I didn't need to live in fear of that day. I could leave.

So I ran. I didn't tell Maria or Benny goodbye. I didn't want to. She would try to kill me and so would Benny. Let him learn how replaceable he was on his own. It wasn't my problem.

I ran into the trees until I found my friends. They knew why I was here. Charlotte smiled and Peter patted my shoulder like he used to.

We ran, leaving my home in the shadows behind us.


End file.
